Ballerinas and Homemade Bubble Gum and Egg Aprons... Oh My!
an Ex-Mormon in a world of famous Mormon wives
Me and Hannah Neeleman grew up in the same cult. That’s where our similarities begin and end. If this weren’t the case, I don’t think I’d be so fascinated by this woman. I look at her life, with all of those natural remedies and home cooked meals and young children running around, and I wonder how close I was to living that reality. Even with her perfect house, her “perfect” husband, her perfect homecooked meals and perfect children, I can’t help but feel immense relief when she comes across my feed. I much prefer my one bedroom apartment in the city, my 2 cats, and my frozen pizzas.
The 2 of us probably had similar childhoods. Loving parents, lots of siblings, Sunday sacrament service, and monthly trips to the local Mormon Temple to do baptisms for the dead (look that up if you’d like an internet rabbit hole to fall into). I remember being a young Mormon girl and having a huge crush on Lucky Blue Smith, a famous Mormon model making headlines even back then. Now He’s Nara Smith’s husband. I didn’t realize that juvenile crush would come back to haunt me in the form of Mormon trad-wife content.
About a week ago, an article was posted in The Times about Hannah Neeleman and her “Ballerina Farm.” I tend to avoid things that come out in the media surrounding Mormons and Mormonism, because I narrowly escaped that lifestyle and I hate lingering too long on what life would have looked like for me had I not endured the scrutiny and criticism from my own family. But this article about the Neeleman’s went viral, and I’ve built up my own platform on TikTok in such a way that people were asking for my reaction to it. I couldn’t avoid it this time around.
The article elicited quite a bit of sympathy and concern from empathetic women everywhere. The article points out that Hannah had asked for a trip to Greece and was instead gifted an egg apron. This is already enough to raise some eyebrows, until another TikTok user pointed out she didn’t have any use for an apron in the first place, because she has so many chickens she collects her eggs in a large basket and the egg apron wouldn’t carry even half of the eggs she collects every morning.
Hannah Neeleman has pinned this video to the top of her profile, so it’s the first one you see when looking at her account. Some have said this is a sign of a cry for help, but I think Hannah knows what she’s doing here. I don’t think she needs our sympathy. The Times article had a tone to it that was meant to elicit a reaction of pity, painting Hannah as nothing but a poor brainwashed victim of the patriarchy. I know firsthand that the Mormon church heavily pressures women into giving up their “worldly” and “material” desires for more “godly” ones. I’m not at all surprised Hannah gave up her dream to be a ballerina, and I don’t think she was tricked into it either. One doesn’t just trip and fall into a millionaire’s lap and have 8 kids with him, all while documenting all of it for the world to see. I truly believe she’s proud and would like to inspire other women to do it too. The Times article made it sound like she would run as fast as she could off of that farm if her husband ever turned his back for too long. But pinning that egg apron video to the top of her page tells me she is VERY aware of how her platform and the sacrifices she has made in order to be a mother and a homemaker look to the world.
The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I left the Mormon Church when I was 18, around the same age Hannah Neeleman was when she had her first kid. I find the difference between us fascinating. She lives on a 328-acre ranch, I live in a 600 square foot one bedroom apartment. She has 8 kids, I have 2 cats. She makes most of her meals from scratch, I eat frozen pizza at least once a week. She got engaged to her husband after 3 weeks of dating, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 years with no ring in sight. (Don’t come after me for this by the way, neither of us have commitment issues and he would propose on the spot if I told him I was ready. I still feel like I’d be a child bride and did you know the average American wedding costs $35,000?)
I wonder if Neeleman ever looks at other women’s lives and wonder’s what could have been. She gave up her dream of being a ballerina. She wanted to live in the city and dance. I’m no dancer, but I do feel like I’m living the dream Hannah gave up. I’m free to follow whatever whims I feel. She converted her ballet studio into a playroom for her children. I’m moving next month to a an apartment with an extra bedroom, which I’ll be converting into my own office/art studio. It’s never great to compare, because I truly believe what brings one woman happiness wouldn’t bring the next one joy and so on, but I do wonder if Hannah wonders.
In any case, the Ballerina Farm article gave me a renewed sense of confidence in my choices. I’m glad I’m not walking a mile in her cowboy boots.
Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to take your birth control!